


lay me gently in the cold dark earth

by weenies



Series: G******** Week [3]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 5x12, Canon Rewrite, Day 3, Ian's POV, M/M, Second Person, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weenies/pseuds/weenies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You need to get out of that trailer. Away from them. So you walk into the middle of the field so you can see the stars and finally get some fresh air. Being around your mom has been refreshing. Finally there is someone who looks and you and doesn’t see someone who needs to be medicated. Your family wants you to be medicated. Mickey does too. To you, that feels a lot like they want you to be fixed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lay me gently in the cold dark earth

**Author's Note:**

> Another 5x12 rewrite. I know there are a lot of these, but I wanted to give it a try.

You need to get out of that trailer. Away from them. So you walk into the middle of the field so you can see the stars and finally get some fresh air. Being around your mom has been refreshing. Finally there is someone who looks and you and doesn’t see someone who needs to be medicated. Your family wants you to be medicated. Mickey does too. To you, that feels a lot like they want you to be fixed.

But being around your mom’s boyfriend is suffocating. She deserves better than him. She had said it herself,  _you need to be around people who love you for who you are._ You really don’t think this guy is that for her. So you tell her that. You ask her to go home with you, to the people who love her. She tells you they wouldn’t want her around. You reassure her that they’d come around eventually but you know she doesn’t believe you.

She goes back inside when her boyfriend comes out to get her. You wish you could take her with you, save her from this hell that she seems to think is good for her. You know you can’t, you know that decision is hers to make.

You don’t know how long you’ve been laying there since your mom went inside but your phone is ringing. Has been on and off for the past couple of days. It’s him, you know it’s him without even looking on your screen. Your family called you a couple of times but Mickey has been calling you nonstop.

You should answer, you want to answer, but the thought of talking to him and dealing with all the pain you’ve caused him tears you apart. The thought of hearing his voice for the first time in what feels like forever has you pressing the green button after the fourth ring.

“Ian?” Mickey asks, surprised but also relieved that you’ve picked up the phone.

Your breath is shaky, sounding weak to your own ears. You want to cry, you feel like you might if Mickey doesn’t start talking soon.

“Where the fuck are you?” It sounds gruff but it’s clear that he’s worried. It makes you feel even worse.

“With my mom”

“Yeah, I know. You got to give me a little more than that, Ian.”

“I—I don’t know” You hear him sigh, you imagine him rubbing a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “I can ask Monica”

“Ok, tell me the address when you find it. I’ll come pick you up”

You want to tell him you’ll be waiting but you aren’t sure if going back with him is the best idea. These days you spend more time feeling more like a burden than you do a boyfriend.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore” The tears actually fall this time and you are finding it hard to get control of your breathing.

When Mickey responds with an “Ian, please”, you can tell he’s crying too. You want nothing more than to hold him in your arms, make his pain go away. It kills you to know you are responsible for it. He’s why you are doing this. You can’t keep hurting him.

You don’t want to be fixed, but you know this won’t go away. You don’t want to be medicated. But you can’t imagine Mickey would want to stick around if you aren’t. So maybe it would hurt less to just end things now. Maybe that’s why you’re really doing this. Self-preservation or some shit.

“I have to go”

“Wait! Fuck, please wait Ian” You shouldn’t wait. You should hang up while you have the strength to do so.

You don’t hang up though. You remember standing in Mickey’s room, watching as tears filled his eyes, a broken _don’t_ barely manageable. You remember Mickey bending over backwards to please you when you came back.  He told you late one night as you laid cramped in your bed that he wanted to make sure you didn’t leave again. You both agreed that wasn’t how a relationship should work, that wasn’t how you wanted your relationship to work.

You don’t know what to say, so you let Mickey do the talking for the both of you. “Listen, Ian. Just let me come get you. We can talk about this face to face” You hear him sigh on the other side of, the line. “Just don’t do this. Not like this” His voice breaks and it feels like you break with it.

The thing is, you don’t know if you can end things in person. You know it’s not fair to do it over the phone. And really, you don’t want to do this at all. You’re overwhelmed and you’re scared and you wish Mickey was lying here with you.

“Do you love me?” You’re asking before you even made the decision to open your mouth.

There’s a pause and you think if you try hard enough you might be able to sink into the damp ground beneath you.

“I love you” If you weren’t sure before, you know he’s crying now. Still, he sounds stronger, more sure than he has this entire conversation. “So much, Ian”

“Ok” You cough. Breath deep. You’re terrified but Mickey loves you. For the past three years he’s all you’ve ever wanted and he loves you. It makes you so incredibly happy but breaks your heart at the same time. You aren’t sure you deserve to be loved anymore. “I’ll text you the address” you say because you’re nothing if not selfish. You don’t want to hurt him but more than anything, you want him.

“Ok, I’ll borrow the car. Be down there as soon as possible” You hear shuffling on the other side of the line. You imagine he’s frantically gathering his things, getting ready to go.

“Thanks for calling” _For caring, for not giving up._

“I’m glad you answered”

“Yeah” The tears have stopped and you feel exhausted, like you might fall over if you tried to get up. So you don’t, not for a long time.

Eventually you go searching for your mom. You hope her boyfriend has fucked off somewhere, never coming back. You settle for him sleeping in the bedroom and your mom sitting on the couch watching TV by herself.  She turns and sees you, the smile on her face as big as you’ve ever seen it.

“Hey baby”

She notices your red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked cheeks and her smile turns into a look of concern. “What’s wrong?”

She brushes her hand across your cheek as you sit down next to her. You don’t know where to start, don’t know how to start without breaking down again. You don’t want to let her down, make her feel unwanted.

“I think I need to go home” It’s a struggle to get the words out, but you do. You get the address and send it to Mickey before turning back to face your mom.

Your mom sighs in understanding and she brings you into her arms so you can rest in her lap. She strokes your hair as you cry softly. You’ve never felt so weak but in her arms you feel a little bit stronger. She murmurs reassurance in your ears, _I love yous_ into your hair.

You must have fallen asleep because suddenly there is a knock at the trailer door and your mom is shifting to stand up. She opens the door and he’s there. He looks exhausted and you watch him struggle to figure out what he should say. You look between the two of them, your mom eyes him wearily but when he sees you, the lines of worry etched into his face visibly relax.

He steps forward and soon you’re throwing yourself into his arms. You see your mom smile just before you close your eyes and drop your head to the crook of Mickey’s neck. His arms feel strong against your back and you think you could stay like this forever.

You finally pull apart, but keep your hand wrapped around his waist. Your mom looks at the both of you fondly, like she knows just how much Mickey loves you. Your relief no doubt settles into the set of your brows the curve of your lips. You didn’t know you needed her approval but you’re glad you’ve gotten it.

“This is my mom” You nod to where she is still standing by the door. Mickey removes his arm from around you and reaches out to shake her hand.

“I’m Mickey” He says it quietly, self-consciously. He’s nervous and you rub your hand down his back and hope it’s calming.

“Monica” She smiles at the both of you and takes his hand in her own, bringing her other hand up to squeeze it from both sides. “I’d introduce you to my boyfriend, but we better not wake him”

She says it so kindly, so happily, and it breaks your heart. He doesn’t deserve her. Your mom deserves so much, so much more than her life has given her.

She let’s go of Mickey’s hand and you all stay standing there for some time longer. Mickey stares down at his feet and you feel the overwhelming urge to just kiss him. So you turn your head and place your lips to his temple. You sniff, willing the tears to not fall again.

You turn back to your mom and she looks at you knowingly. “You guys should probably get going, huh?”

“Yeah”

“Oh baby, I’m so happy we got to spend time together”

“Me too, mom” She tears up as you untangle yourself from Mickey to embrace her. She squeezes you until you feel like you can’t breathe. It’s comforting and you wish you never had to let go.

“You could come with us” He tries again, silently praying her answer will be different.

“Maybe I’ll come visit from time to time” You don’t think she will, but you allow yourself to hope that she might surprise you. You and your siblings have established a life without her or Frank. You want her home, but you know her well enough to know she doesn’t want to disrupt that.

You separate and she turns to the kitchen, grabs a bag and fills it with a fraction of the little food she has. You smile and take it from her, embracing her one last time. She grabs Mickey in for a hug as soon as you let go. It’s awkward but warm and she brings her hands up to cup his face.

“You take good care of him for me”

Mickey nods and you both make their way toward the door. Monica grabs onto your forearm and squeezes it as you walk past her.

You walk out to Mickey’s family car and he turns to face you. You bring your hands up and thread them through his hair. Your foreheads connect and you relax to the steady rhythm of his breath against your face. You bring your lips down to his and squeeze your eyes shut.

You step back and Mickey brings his hand up to rustle your hair. “You need a haircut” You laugh and Mickey moves to the driver side of the car.

When you finally get into the car and start to drive off, the relief at finally reuniting with Mickey consumes you. You love him and he loves you. You’re terrified but for right now, this is what you need. It’s the one sure thing surrounded by the uncertainty of your life. You’ll have to figure that out eventually, but you have this. You have him.

You drive away, his hand resting on your thigh and your hand resting on his, and you think about what it means for you to love each other. It means you both take care of each other. Monica had asked Mickey to take care of you and you vow to do the same for him.

You turn around to get one last look at the trailer home and you see your mom waving back to you in the distance. You bring your hand up to wave back, knowing she won’t be able to see you, and hope she’ll be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of projecting my experiences and feelings with BD here so it might not exactly match up with what you think Ian's motivations were. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](anxiouslysarah.tumblr.com)


End file.
